Saturday, June 26, 2010

Mid-Life Crisis

Recently I spoke with a friend of mine who said he thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. I guess he could be... if he lives to be 100. I think an actual mid-life crisis should occur around the age of 35, since most folks life average is around 70 years.
So.. I asked him this question: "How is this presenting itself in your life?" "What do you mean?" He replied. "Well, are you thinking of having an affair?. Taking an around-the-world hot air balloon journey? ...Joining the circus?....What?"...
"No, no... not that. It's just that I'm sort of restless. I'm thinking about buying a sports car and fixing it up...really cool looking sort of thing. . Perhaps just drive it around... I don't know.... just thinking about stuff."

I've seen those older guys driving around in their sports cars, sometimes convertibles, with the top down,... the whole diamond earring in the ear routine, ...shirtless... (heads up... that's really not a good look for most over 50's... over 40's?...)... Actually, most guys over 30, especially if you really like beer.)
My friend asked me if I had ever experience the whole mid-life crisis thing and, if so, what did I do about it. After thinking about it I had to come to the conclusion that I had never actually "had" a mid-life crisis... I guess. I mean, I never had the inclination to buy a sports car or get tattoos or earrings or have an affair.... or ride around shirtless. You can all thank me for that one.
I don't mean to make light of what some guys (and gals) go through emotionally when they reach a certain age. I do have some age-related feelings about getting older. They just haven't pushed me over the edge (yet). I would say that, if anything, the feelings I have about getting older have mostly to do with "accomplishments". When I turned 50 I went back to college to get a degree in Addiction Counseling. It wasn't a major degree, just an Associates Degree, but, it was important for me because I had dropped out of high school back when I was young and stupid and smoking a lot of pot and taking those funny pills that make you think your socks are turning into bullfrogs and the evergreen in the front yard is actually a beautiful woman....
As I get older I do have these feelings of not making a difference anymore. When the kids are grown and have flown the nest and the job I've worked for 30 years no longer inspires me to hit it hard like I did when I was 30... When I haven't accomplished some of the things I set out to accomplish... the goals I set for myself. Getting a better education was one that I accomplished recently and that made me feel a lot better about myself. It seems life is a lot about setting goals and then stiving to reach them somehow.
When I think about me, or anyone else, going through what they call a mid-life crisis, I'm inclined to think that a lot of it has to do with feeling no longer "useful" (the fact that it rhymes with "youthful" is probably more than coincidence. I think we all want to feel like we make a difference, and, most of us believe that we do, or are too busy with kids and jobs to think about it, especially when we're younger. Then, as we get older, we start to get these nagging questions: "What am I doing with my life anymore?"... "How much longer do I have to accomplish my goals"?.... "Why can't I remember what I had for lunch?"....
Personally, I decided a few years ago to just put one foot in front of the other... go back to school and get a degree.... record some new songs that coincide with that degree and put out a new CD of Addiction Recovery Music.... perform some concerts for folks that usually don't get the opportunity to attend concerts that deal with heart issues, (addiction, alcoholism, homelessnes),....start writing a blog that allows me to share some of my life experiences and hopefully inspire some thoughs about life, love and the pursuit of happiness....
I'm inclined to think that we react to growing old(er) in various ways. I believe the mid-life crisis is simply the desire to re-capture our youth, to try and go back in time. We can do crazy things like have affairs, buy exotic cars, act like we're 25 again and start rock-climbing or bunge jumping off bridges.... We can try to numb themselves by drinking and drugging, or, as it is with some people..... not think about it at all. I guess it depends on the person.
I think, as long as we're still breathing, we're all able to make some changes in our lives that will help us feel our lives arent being wasted. Hopefully, as we've grown older, we have some wisdom to pass down to the younger generation(s). Even trying to help others avoid some of the mistakes we've made is, perhaps, a vital contribution to someone's life and could be making a big difference.....

I know I'm sort of rambling as I write this blog. It's sort of a relief valve for me. It was either that or buy a sports car and get a tattoo... but if I did that my wife would kill me.

...... Hey, wait a minute!... Then I wouldn't have to worry any more about mid-life, end-of-life stuff..... hmm..... I hope I made the right decision here.....


Anyway, if you have any comments about your own feelings about getting older,.. or mid-life crisis issues, I would love to hear about them.. you can email me at: coloringmoses@yahoo.com or make a comment here on the blog site. Hope you all have a great week!....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Characters For Sale

I had a senior pastor of a church I attended about 25 years ago (not the pastor or church I'm in now).... tell this story one Sunday morning from the pulpit. It raised a more than a few eyebrows...

"A well-dressed man meets a woman in a bar and makes her this proposal.... Would you sleep with me if I gave you one million dollars?".... The woman is stunned (momentarily) by the question, and then she thinks it over for a minute and says, "Yes, I guess I would... for a million dollars."
The man then says, "What about for ten dollars?".... The woman looks at him appallingly and says, "Just what kind of woman do you think I am?".... The man retorts: "We've already determined that.... now we're just haggling on the price.".....
The pastor was giving a message that Sunday morning on "Character".... Do we have it?... and, what would it take to cross that line?

Donald Miller, in his book, "To Own A Dragon", recounts a scene from the movie, "The Family Man", starring Nicholas Cage. Nicholas' character is standing behind a woman who is paying for an item at a convenience store. The store owner, played by Don Cheadle, is given a dollar bill by the woman but proceeds to give her back change as if she had handed him a ten-dollar bill. He counts it out to her, giving her back nine dollars in "change". The woman hesitates, just for a split-second, put the money in her purse and walks out the door. The store owner then looks at Nicholas Cage and says, "Did you see that? That woman just sold her character for nine dollars." He knew all along and was simply testing her to see what she would do.

It's tempting..... To sell our character. Maybe we wouldn't do it for nine dollars.... or ninety dollars... or nine hundred dollars... but, what if I were to find a bag full of money along the side of the road?.... Thousands of dollars... just for the taking.
We read, once in awhile, about a person who discovers a large sum of cash. Perhaps it fell out of a Wells Fargo truck and ended up along the side of the road. We read about that person returning the money, not keeping it. And the newspapers and t.v. reporters are always right there asking the question... "Why?".... "Why didn't you just keep the money?".... And usually the person says something like, "Because it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. It wasn't mine to keep."
I love it when I hear stories like that... and I know you do too. I keep telling myself, "Yep, that's what I would do,... return the money!" (I hope I'm not lying to myself)...
But... then again,... there are other ways of selling our character that has nothing to do with monetary gain. Slacking off on the job....robbing our employer of his/her money that they are paying us to work.... Doing something that I know is a bad example to my kids or my wife but doing it anyway... just because "I want to"..... Refusing to apologize when I've really offended someone. Not repaying a debt.... the list could go on and on and on.

One thing I love about A.A. and programs like it is that they insist, not only on dealing with addiction, but they also insist on character-building. They take you through the 12-Step program (there are others, like Celebrate Recovery), and, with each step there is a process that one goes through that in "some way relates to character-building. It's a great thing. A humbling thing, .. but a great thing nonetheless. (Being in Recovery is more than just "not drinking/drugging").... it's a lifestyle change...

I pray, with God's help, to try and maintain good character traits throughout my life. It will definitely take God's help because I know I can be suckered-in really quick to doing stupid things. I have a history.....
Anyway, I think it's important to be careful, to treat ourselves with respect and hold fast to our integrity... and when we screw-up somewhere (we will), to have the courage (and humility) to try to put things right again. Whether it's nine dollars, ninety dollars, or nine million dollars, .. it's still character prostitution.....Just ask my old pastor....

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Paying Attention

So... this old gentleman is driving down the highway when suddenly he sees flashing red lights behind him. He pulls his car over to the side of the road and the police officer gets out of his patrol car and walks up to the driver's door. The old guy rolls down his window, the officer sticks his head in and says, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of your car a few miles back!?"....
The old man draws a sigh of relief and answers, "Thank the Lord!.... I thought I had gone deaf!"...
Listening..... It seems most of the time our lives are simply filled with "noise".... and we are so easily distracted by it.
My wife said something to me the other day while I was watching a very interesting and totally absorbing television commercial which had talking breakfast cereal. Very stimulating stuff.
After about 3 minutes had gone by I looked at her and said, .... "Did you say something?"...
She gave me a disgusted look and said, "No, I guess I didn't"......
I'm sure this has never happened to you. I felt sort of bad about it for a few seconds and then another commercial came on and it had singing underwear. Being a musician myself, it had my immediate attention.
Listening... paying attention. Sometimes I think it's an art in itself. When I was getting my degree in counseling we had a class in "active listening". We had to pick a partner and have them tell us a story and we had to really listen to them and show them that we were actually listening.
When it was my turn I made up some incredibly crazy story to tell and had my partner rolling on the floor. Yes, I took it all very seriously....
The simple fact is: people are, at heart, conversational and interactive. It's just that we live in a society where there is so much distraction.... television, movies, music, I-pods, texting, cell phones, those Blueberry thingys.... We have come to the conclusion that conversation is no longer a necessity, or at least that it falls far below the necessities for a quality of life. "Hey, how's it goin?", "How ya doin?"... "What's goin' on?"..... Rhetorical questions that don't demand (or want) an answer.
I think it's very telling that a person will actually "pay" someone to simply listen to them. Psychiatrists and psychologists make a pretty decent living just "listening" to people talk about their lives, their hopes and dreams...and problems. If you pay someone to listen to you then you can be pretty sure that they will... hopefully.
It has been said, and I truly believe it, that more than 50% of counseling is simply "listening".
Someone who listens, .. I mean, "really" listens, hears not only what is being said, but they hear what is "not" being said also. They learn to, as it is often quoted, "read between the lines" to find out what the other person is really trying to say,.. or trying to avoid saying, or is totally unaware of what they are really saying.
Listening. Paying attention. It's something we have to cultivate in our lives, to make a concerted effort to train ourselves to do. It's a part of life that we are missing out on every day due to the electronic, fast-paced culture we live in.
Give it a try today. If someone strikes up a conversation, show them you're interested in what they have to say. Maybe even ask them to elaborate on something that you don't quite understand. Try to be "engaged" in the exchange.
Anyway, that's my two-cents for the day. Gotta run. There's this crazy new commercial on t.v. with a giant puppet woman loading a moving van.....