Co-Dependent Part 2

We had a middle-age woman in our family counseling session talking about how she would get in her car at night and cruise the part of town where there was a lot of drugs and crime, hoping to find her son, hoping to rescue him. She could imagine herself storming the "drug-house" in the middle of the night, scooping up her son, bringing him home, nursing him back to health, ... if she could only "rescue" him..... all would be right with the world.
Parents, especially women, are more often than not, lead by the heart... and are often led into this type of insane behavior. Fathers, I believe, are just as affected by a son or daughter lost into the world of drugs, but they tend to keep their emotions more bottled-up inside. Someone has to be the "strong one" and try to keep things in control.
Life with an addict, whether it's a son, daughter, husband, wife, (father or mother),...even a close friend, can become a roller-coaster of ride of emotions. We don't respond well when we can't "control" the situation. We tend to so immerse ourselves into the lives of those we want to control that we fail to look after ourselves in the process.
It's been scientifically proven that someone who is in a co-dependent relationship with an addict often becomes as sick, or sometimes, more sick, than the addict themselves. The addict is happy to stay on the "Chemical Vacation" and is oblivious to the hurt and anxiety that they are causing to those they love. The non-addict family member (at least not chemically an addict), is caught up in all the emotions of hurt, anger, betrayal, frustration, worry,...etc., but, they don't have the same escape from reality that the addict has. This can manifest itself in physical symptoms such as migraine headaches, ulcers, muscle spasms, spastic colon, more colds and flu, sinus conditons, ...etc., ...just a general decline in physical health from all the worry and sleepless nights and anxiety about the future. Waiting for that 3 A.M. phone call from the police... or the hospital... night after night after night.....can take it's toll.
When an addict finally reaches their "bottom" and gets into the process of recovery, they normally get connected to a healthy support system (such as Alcoholics Anonymous), where they can learn about their disease, the recovery process, and find tools to help them navigate the path ahead. For the co-dependent family member this is just as important... to find a healthy support system... to help them understand the dynamics of addiction and the role they should play in supporting (and often NOT supporting), the addict in their life. Whether the addict ever seeks help of not, it is vitally important for the family to be involved in a family support group or some type. Family members need to be counseled in effective ways to deal with the ongoing problems associated with having an addict/alcoholic loved-one. Al-Anon and Alateen are two very important programs for family members.

The bottom line is this: We, whoever we may be, or even how much we care and try to do, do not have the power to control the life of another person. This is a hard truth to accept. Often, in our efforts to "control" the addict/alcoholic, we are actually making it harder for that person to seek the help they so desperately need. We don't help the addict by constantly bailing him or her out of bad situations which are caused by their addiction. Just like the addict eventually has to do, family members need to learn to "Let go and let God" be in control.
There is a lot of good information on the internet that speaks about Co-Dependency. If you find yourself relating to this situation I hope you will do some research on the subject, reach out and get help for yourself and the other family members who are suffering ...along with the addict. Addiction... IS...a family disease.....

Co-Dependent.... Part 1

This week's blog gives a big tip'O' The Hat to Sharon Hersh. If you or someone you love is dealing with addiction problems then I highly recommend that you go and get a copy of: "The Last Addiction" by Sharon A. Hersh.



You might be in a Co-Dependent relationship with someone if this describes your life with them....



We....... nag; lecture; scream; holler; cry; beg; bribe; coerce; hover over; protect; accuse; chase after; run away from; try to talk into; try to talk out of; attempt to induce guilt in; seduce; entrap; check on; demonstrate how much we've been hurt; hurt people in return so they'll know how it feels; threaten to hurt ourselves; whip power plays on; deliver ultimatums to; do things for; refuse to do things for; stomp out on; get even with; whine; vent fury on; act helpless; suffer in loud silence; try to please; lie; do sneaky little thing; do sneaky big things; clutch at our hearts and threaten to die; grab our heads and threaten to go crazy; beat on our chests and threaten to kill; enlist the aid of supporters; gauge our words carefully; sleep with; refuse to sleep with; have children with; bargain with; drag to counseling; drag out of counseling; talk mean about; talk mean to; insult; condemn; pray for miracles; pay for miracles; go to places we don't want to go; stay nearby to supervise; dictate; command; complain; write letters about; write letters to; stay home and wait for; go out and look for; call all over looking for; drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see; chase down dark alleys hoping to catch; run down alleys at night to get away from..... placate; provoke; try to make jealous; try to make afraid; remind; inquire; hint; look through pockets; peek into wallets; search dresser drawers; dig through glove boxes; look into toilet tanks; try to look into the future; search through the past; call relatives about; reason with; settle issues once and for all; settle them again; punish; reward; almost give up; try even harder; and a list of other handy maneuvers I've either forgotten or haven't tried yet.....



Many of these behaviors are common relationship issues, but, loving an addict takes everything to a whole new level and can be more than a full-time job. Then we wonder why life with an addict is so..... hard.



To be continued next week.....